geborgenheit
by januarylightsphere
Summary: i understand it now: you're a star, you need space — nyotalia, taiwan, norway, nortai.


**Geborgenheit. German** – the feeling that, when with a certain person or in a certain place, that nothing could ever harm you. 

**Disclaimer:** It's 2016 and I still don't own Hetalia.

So someone send me an ask 'stop daphne angst 2k16' and sure I will not write angst. This isn't angsty I PROMISE BELIEVE ME LOOK AT MY HONEST AND SINCERE EYES.

Since so many characters appear, I will give you a list of name. Note that it's nyotalia. Hope it will help you and if you still have questions feel free to shot me a private message or an ask on tumblr.

 **Zhi Yang = Taiwan, Aina = Norway, Chun Yan = China, Qiu Min = Hong Kong, Xia Yue = Macau, Quan = Vietnam, Amelia = America, Mathilda = Denmark, Beatrice = Sweden, Tina = Finland, Ella = Iceland, Alice = England, Sorina = Romania, Stella = Bulgaria, Jivan = Seychelles, Daisy = North Italy, Julchen = Prussia, Daniel = Hungary, Chiara = South Italy / Romano, Sakura = Japan.**

SOMEHOW I DID NOT INCLUDE NYO!BELGIUM AND NYO!SPAIN SOMEDAY I WILL WRITE THEM

I'm so in love with Nyo!Hong Kong. I'm so in love with Nyo!AmeViet.

Expect some differences in characterisation from the canon because it's nyotalia. I try my best to keep them in character but somehow nyo!taiwan is a starry boy with a passion for music and nyo!norway is a girl with terrible mood swings and Quan is a hot guy -

Okay, please enjoy your reading.

* * *

"The problem with him is that he loves me too much. If he did a little less, I might have stayed." She speaks with such nonchalance that Zhi Yang doesn't know whether he should feel surprised or not. Granted, it isn't exactly the best kind of thing to say in a cloudy night when you're having a dinner with your friend, and the tone used is hardly befitting the seriousness of the topic, but it's Aina, and she's always a little backwards about her own feeling.

He takes a moment to process her words as if it'd make any differences to him, and his lack of understanding stays the same. "What's this time, Aina?" He asks, and somehow his voice sounds so wrong, as if he should have not spoken and just listened to the conservation between Aina and the endless night, but he's always a little brave, a little to rash.

She doesn't look at him (doesn't have enough courage to, she keeps that in mind), but at something he knows nothing of, and whatever she's looking at may not be what she's seeing, and he doesn't know how it's possible but Aina Bondevik sorts of defines the indefinable and that's an impossibility in itself. He can't see her face, and her body gesture gives away nothing.

"He loved me too much, Zhi Yang - I couldn't stay. If someone loves you like he loved me, you can't help but fall a little in love with them in return, and that isn't me, Zhi Yang. I don't fall in love." She speaks calmly, without the defiance Ella has when she speaks or the unquestionable power that is always present in Chun Yan or the angry bitterness in Chiara. Her voice is indifferent, and he wonders if it should worry him that after being her friends for over a decade, this is the most she has ever disclosed to him about her feelings on the matter of love apart from the occasional tales of her ex-boyfriends who said in her face that she was too boring. Aina is never boring, he remembers telling her, but it doesn't matter now isn't it?

"What do you do then? If you don't fall in love?" He asks, his voice displaying a nonchalance he doesn't feel, trying to be an indifferent man that he can't be. She finally turns to face him, her lips curls into a smile that should make him happy, but it doesn't. Her eyes are too deep, he notes, and he feels for something he hasn't understood yet. "I run." She says before turning back to the things he can't see. "I run. Far, far away."

...

Her words haunt him more than they should. They are constant in his mind, her thought about love, and they whisper in his ears and replay in his head and his mind until he feels the need to scream. He doesn't understand why he's reacting like that, and it scares him in a way that he doesn't think he will be able to get. It occurs to him that maybe she keeps her thoughts on love a secret from him all those years is a true blessing, and he wonders whether he should be locked up for preferring the time when Aina had never spoken those fateful words. Somehow he's afraid too, and it sounds laughable in his head. Little sun, his sister calls him, for he was born to be brave, like all his ancestors had died before him, for the blood running in his body, and here some words have him mentally cowering on his knees. It makes him want to cry, to scream, those words have affected him more than anything before and he doesn't understand why. Zhi Yang, the wisdom of the sun in his name, and he hates not understanding why. They are not special or something, they doesn't symbolise catastrophe or death - they are nothing of an essance, nothing to be afraid of on their own, but they are combined in a way that he has never seen anything combine, and they mean something that breaks an important part of his deepest core, a part that he will never be able to discover and that is what scares him more than anything.

His descent into despair is silent and soundless and makes no sense to anyone. Even it makes no sense to him. On the outside, he smiles and lots and wears his headphone all the time but manages to hear all the things people say because, they assume, he's Chun Yan's littlest brother, the treasure of the family, and of course it's not necessary for him to take off his headphones when someone talks to him, even in the company such as Chun Yan, his eldest sister - but she's family, she always tolerates him - or Anya, who can gets herself arrested for merely smiling a little too brightly, but Anya is kind to him in her strangest way of kindness, but it's kindness nevertheless.

Aina sees, though, she comes to see him one day and finds him staring at the window in what people would mistake for boredom, but she understands is confusion and loss.

"I hate seeing you like this." She says, always to the point. "You don't smile anymore." Her voice ringing in the aching emptiness of the room. He doesn't move from where he's lying on the couch, but they both know the tension between them.

"Yes, I do." He replies in a voice that would have sound challenging if it wasn't so defeated. It makes her sad, she realises, to watch a brave daring and sun-like boy who always wants to do something reduces into wanting everyone to leave him alone.

"Really? You smile because you feel you need to or because you feel happy? You don't bother to take off your headphones anymore because you're so tired of the noise.", She presses, indigo eyes deep and blazing with tension and thoughts she's been keeping in her chest for awhile, and it's what either of them needs most those days it seems.

He looks up at her this time, his golden hair meeting her indigo. Everything in his family has the same pair of eyes, Aina notes absent-mindedly, the pair of eyes that makes people blink. Zhi Yang's eyes are as endless as universe, fixing on her face and it feels like heaven and a little like hell. They are not what she remembers, they are guarded, filled with conflict and confusion and frustration and underlying pain that makes her want to hug him - something she's sure that no one does anymore apart from Chun Yan and Qiu Min - and it saddens her, really, to see a sun boy no longer wear his heart on his sleeves.

"What changed?" She asks, even though she's pretty sure that she knows the answer.

Silence.

And -

"I don't know." He says finally, and isn't so good at hiding his frustration. "I can't stop thinking of what you said that night, Aina. It's driving me mad, slowly and painfully. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I can't even write songs without thinking about it! Goddamn it, I haven't gone stargazing lately." His voice rises and rises, and he ends his sentences with an almost shout - but he looks so defeated, a spirit broken by something he doesn't understand and she hasn't tried to.

Aina moves towards him and sits at his side, leaning against the couch in a way that makes her head fall onto his stomach if she tilts it backwards. "Forget it." She tells him quietly, but determinedly, twisting her head slightly to meet his, "Forget about what I said. You must be happy, Yang, you're not yourself, and anyone can see that. Qiu Min's worried about you, and the rest of them know something is wrong, but they don't know what it is. Most people don't notice, but most of people don't know you, but I do, and your family do. Don't make your family worried. Yang, forget what I said, because it's not important enough. It doesn't matter. Something like that can't change the fact that you're my precious friend, but you're not him now. I miss my friend, Yang, so you'd better do something about it."

"What if I can't?"

"It's a pity, then. It's sad, really, because I like that boy. If you ever meet him, tell him to give me a ring."

And she's gone, because she's not back until her friend is himself again.

(His eyes are too bright now, Aina thinks, brighter than she's ever seen before, brighter than the sun.)

...

Aina hates noise even in her less sober state, and the music is loud, the people are loud, everything around her is loud, Mathilda's loud, but Aina can't bring herself to blame the birthday girl, can she? So she stumbles out of the house and falls onto the grass surrounding the porch. The world spins as she rolls onto her back, and looks up at the sky. There are no clouds and too many stars tonight - why star would wish to show each other up, she has no idea, but Zhi Yang likes it all the way, he says no one can stop the stars, because they're stars and it's what they are best at, just like the way human always try their best.

As she ponders Zhi Yang's strange way of thinking - why she hasn't given up on this habit, she wonders - a shadow looms beside her and she looks up to see the boy she's thinking about frowning down at her, headphones hanging around his neck. She says, "You look too serious, Yang." It must be the alcohol that makes her unable to see his expression clearly, and Aina can be anything, but being drunk isn't one of them, whatever type of drunk. She completely blames Mathilda. He rolls his eyes at her, but there's a tiny smile at the corner of his lips, and the heavy feeling in her chest lifts.

"Can I sit next to you?"

"Sure." She nods, patting the grass next to her.

He rolls his eyes again, but sits anyway. "The grass is wet." He complains, but he doesn't really mind.

"Yes, Ella has just watered it this morning and given it life." She thinks he doesn't understand, so she adds. "The grass is wet because it's alive."

Zhi Yang wonders why Aina sounds so satisfying with that sort of logic, but drunken Aina always makes less sense than normal Aina, if that was possible.

"You're drunk." He says, in a matter-of-fact sort of tone. She nods. It's rather obvious, but it's hardly as if Aina is in any shapes or forms to mock him lightly about stating the obvious.

"You're here." She replies, in an equally matter-of-fact voice, though he supposes her comment makes sense because she's drunk and he's not, and why is he sitting next to Aina Bondevik after three months of not speaking to each other when he's completely in his mind, on her sister's birthday party and the day his sister Sakura's leave?

"I suppose I am." He says, he has no idea why he's here, except that today reminds him of his sister and her falling out with Chun Yan. Sakura has been always gentle and kind to Zhi Yang, and he misses her like he hasn't missed her for a long time, since when Sakura left, and Aina hugged him and he really just needs Aina, okay?

She cocks her head to the side and studies him, and Zhi Yang gets the strangest feeling of being judged and seen through. He knows it's ridiculous, because as weird as Aina can be, she isn't a mind reader, and even if she were, she would not be capabole of doing it while drunk, and also she's known him for more than ten year - but he still feels like she is. "You're lonely." She observes and he wants to protest but he knows he can't, because even when she's drunk, Aina doesn't like being lied to.

"A little." He nods. He misses everything, he's startled to realise. He misses the way she challenges everything about him, he misses the way starlight shimmers on her skin, he misses the way she sees everything for what it is, her wit and her bravery and her ambition, even sometimes they make him want to rip out his hair in frustration, and he misses the strange things she does and says. He misses Sakura, he misses talking to Qiu Min, he misses Chun Yan's smile, she miss Xia Yue's playing cards, he misses Quan's reassuring hands, he misses everything else in his world and he misses Aina, and the way she makes him feel.

"That's alright." She tells him, sounding tired and a little like defeated. "I'm lonely too. We can be lonely together." She leans against him, and rests her head on his shoulder, he lays his head on her, and she fits perfectly in the crook of his neck, and he can't help but feel like it means something, but he can't comprehend.

"I'd like that." He says, hours after she's fallen asleep and the noise from the house has died. She can't hear him, he knows, but the stars will witness.

...

"Amelia's annoyed at you." Qiu Min tells him one day, totally out of blue when she's still looking at her book (Jane Eyre, JANE EYRE AGAIN). Zhi Yang looks at his twin in surprise, taking off his headphones and blinks several times. "Don't play innocent eyes on me."

"I do not. Why?" He asks. He hasn't done anything to annoy Amelia yet, to the best of his knowledge, and really, Amelia can't be annoyed at him, she's head over heels with a particular brother for some reasons. She even gave him gifts to have a good image in Quan's eyes, which was totally unnecessary in Qiu Min's opinion, because Qiu Min so insists that Quan likes Amelia.

Qiu Min shrugs. "Something about your not having asked Ella out yet." Qiu Min adds, and is met with her brother's confused expression. "I'm pretty sure that she has been out of her mind lately. How can Quan stand her?"

"The power of love." Zhi Yang replies. "Don't get me wrong, I love Ella to death, she's cute, easy to get along, but have you seen Mathilda upon hearing Ella is dating, have you? Mathilda is scary. And Aina, don't even get me to start on Aina and her love for her littlest sister. Don't."

Qiu Min laughs. "I thought she was your best friend."

"She is. She is. But doesn't change the fact she might attack me in my sleep." Zhi Yang says, before glancing at his sister in more confusion. "Okay, say the truth, how did you know Mia was mad at me? And how did you know why?"

"I have spent time at Alice's lately, you know. Last time I was there, Amelia stormed in, ready to rant to Alice about something, maybe her twin sister, and then she saw me, and spent the next three hours abusing my poor ears instead." She says, glaring at Zhi Yang's face, and he puts on his know-nothing face. Okay, in reality, he knows nothing. "She devoted a whole hour saying about your idiocy for not dating Ella, though I had no idea why she chose you. You might be a true idiot -" He makes a face at that. "But it's not the exact reason for your idiocy - as well as why Ella not dating you."

"Don't let Aina know."

Qiu Min gives him a look that means 'Don't place me in the same category as you' before saying:

"I'm pretty sure that Ella liked Quan." If Zhi Yang were drinking water, he'd definitely spill it at Qiu Min. And Qiu Min, in her ever calm voice and with her ever blank face and her ever pleasure of seeing he suffer, continues without missing a beat. "It was just a crush, I suppose, our brother is so likeable. Don't act as if you don't, Zhi Yang, because you adore him too."

Zhi Yang chooses not to comment on that, in case Qiu Min's recalling something stupid he did when he, literally, followed Quan everywhere when he was small (no one can blame him for that, Zhi Yang thinks, seeing how his family is full of sisters.), and asks: "Really, I don't know that."

For the first time for very long time, Qiu Min looked surprised, and she stares at him as if he'd grown a fifth head. "What? You're that thick, aren't you?" She says in disbelief, sounding so much like Chun Yan that Zhi Yang really questions if they're really twins, god, Zhi Yang loves Chun Yan to death, of course, but if he's honest, he likes Qiu Min far more. "I can't believe you, I can't. And you tell me you're not an idiot! Come one, Zhi Yang, sharpen up!"

"You can't call me idiot for something happened years ago."

"Months. I thought you got a brain!"

"I do!"

"Then use it!"Before he can formulate some sort of witty reply for that, Qiu Min suddenly claps her hands in realisation, and Zhi Yang feels something really bad is coming at him. "Ah, don't tell me you thought Ella is asexual! How can you?"

"I don't! I only thought she was into older man!"

"Quan is older than her!"

"Did you not just say it's only a crush!"

"A crush or not, until she finds someone, she'll be hooked on Quan forever."

"But Quan... refused her, didn't he? He didn't give her false hope, did he?"

"Don't place brother in the same category as you."

"Goddamn, you're gonna be the death of me."

"Of course, since you love me to death."

Zhi Yang feels he's doing the right thing when he throws the pillow at Qiu Min.

(the pillow fight ends with a warning from Chun Yan, and the next moment Qiu Min is leaning against him, listening to his song and falling asleep, after muttering something sounds suspiciously like 'Zhi Yang you idiot'. Well, he'll make her pay later.)

...

"Move - out - of - my - way!"

Tina watches in amusement as Aina throws her hair clips at Mathilda. Mathida, who seems unscathed apart from a shake in her shoulders - whether from a silent laughter or the genuine fear of Aina, she has no idea - makes her way to where Beatrice is standing to take a sip of water.

"What's up with Aina?" Mathilda demands to Beatrice, as though the other girl would know the answer.

"She's annoyed." Mr Puffin puts in helpfully, and Mathilda and Beatrice both stare at the both, eyes don't even bother to hide the sarcasm.

"Yes, well, I've gathered that much." Mathilda says. "I swear I've done nothing." Beatrice is skeptical. Mathilda presses. "I swear in the name of Odin. Why is she annoyed."

Ella, who follows Puffin, comes in time to hear Mathilda's questions. She supplies. "PMS."

"I'm not violent when I'm PMS-ing."

Ella chooses not to voice her opinion, silently pouring a cup of water to herself.

"She will not kill you, Mathilda." Tina smiles. "Everyone knows she loves you."

Mathilda asks the heaven if it's true.

"I advise you to run." Beatrice suddenly opens her mouth, pointing at the sight of a furious and has-just-got-out-of-bed Aina.

Mathilda doesn't need telling a second time.

...

"Uh, hi, this is Zhi Yang, and I'm - eh, is thing on? Qiu Min, are you sure it's on? Last time you told me it was on, I had to shout - Oops Aina that hurts! You're definitely sure right, sister? Sure, I will believe you this time. Anyway, my lovely starry-eyed fans - Aina, it hurts! I'm Zhi Yang, and I live with my sisters and my brothers, and Qiu Min is the least awesome of them all while I'm the most - Qiu Min!"

"Qiu Min, you can't turn off the switch!"

"Zhi Yang, you will be the death of me I swear."

"Qiu Min, you love me to death."

"Zhi Yang! Get down here right now! Or Ella will sacrifice her Puffin! Get down here right now before Aina will probably kill Mathilda! I don't know what Mathilda did this time, maybe step on Aina when she was still sleepy - ZHI YANG GET DOWN HERE BEFORE I AND ALICE DRAG YOU!"

"Gosh, Amelia's voice is so loud."

"Zhi Yang, Ella is calling you a tosser."

"Zhi Yang, come down. Aina has broken a chair in her wrath! Everyone's waiting for you boy!"

"SUN MAN COME BACK BEFORE I MAKE YOU!"

"Sorina you're hurting my ears!"

...

He finds her in the darkest corner of the library, like he thinks he will. She's reading Jane Eyre - he assumes she's learnt that book by heart now. When he arrives, he simply sits next to the and she rests her head on his shoulder so that he can catch a glimpse of which page she's reading.

"I suppose Mathilda's still alive?" He asks, more from wanting something to say than mere curiosity, in spite of the fact that a small part of him is still semi-concerned about the possible descent of hers into some kind of killer.

He can see her smile. "I suppose you're talking about my sister." He can hear it in her voice. He shrugs.

"Not really. I've got a message from Beatrice saying that you've broken a chair and thrown the pieces at Mathilda. But I haven't read any after this, because I know none of them is from you." He says, tucking back the hair behind her ears.

She looks up at him, indigo eyes searching his face: "How did you know?" She asks, her tone slightly curious.

He shrugs. "You don't need to message me or call me." He says quietly, "You never have, really. I've always found you, without your calling me."

She nods slowly and fixes her eyes on the open page.

 _I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will._

"I wish I were free." She says softly.

Zhi Yang looks at the book, too. "What do you mean that you aren't free?"

She moves away from him then, she's not angry, he can tell, but she's tense. She closes the book, places it on the shelves, before turning to face him. "No, I'm not free." Her voice is nonchalant, and it hits him more than the bitterness. "I'm just a puppet. Just a pretty little girl who learns how to be a lawyer because it's my dead father's job and his wish. I'm the lonely girl that sits in the corner in a noisy party. I'm the runaway girl from a situation where I might actually care for someone more than Ella and myself. I'm anything that the world makes me, anything but Aina the girl, Aina the sister."

"You've done your job as a sis-"

"I can't take care of Mathilda and I can't relieve her tension with Beatrice and I'm not a good sister for Ella. Yang, I want to be free."

He thinks, in that moment alone, he could stand before Aina Bondevik and say she is, without a doubt, the best thing the world could make her, but he's Zhi Yang, the boy named after the sun, the brightest of them all, and he doesn't know how to put his thoughts into words without writing them down in a song, so he doesn't. The only thing he can think of is the night outside her house, under the starlight and the heaven staring back at them, so he says the only thing he can: "I'll be lonely with you."

Something changes in that moment - he can feel it and she can feel it and he has the strong feeling that the world can feel it too. She gives him a beautiful smile that dazzles him as much as it frightens him, before sitting back next to him, her head on his shoulder, and he can't help but feel like she could be the best thing to ever happen to this (his) world, but this world could be the worst thing to ever happen to her.

...

She's the most beautiful thing he's ever known. Aina Bondevik is a lonely star, a runaway girl, a bird wanting to escape from her cage, a girl who wants to be simple girl, a sister wants the best to her family, a girl with mood wings to scare the whole world, a girl with days when she's smiling, a day when she's angry and wants to tear down gods and power above, and days when she just cannot understand she could mean anything to anyone. She's a girl that afraid to love, a girl that doesn't acknowledge her own worth. She's Aina Bondevik, and she's exquisite in her own brokenness.

...

The rumours start, they twist and they turn and they swirl around them all, and it's futile to prevent them from going, Zhi Yang knows it and he does what he's been told: ignore them. They know nothing.

At first, it's only Qiu Min, and she teases him in the privacy of their home when nobody can overhear. His sister's too sharp for her own good, Zhi Yang notes in his head and he pretends to be busy writing his lyrics in order not to hear her swords, since he refuses to let some words to ruin his relationship with Aina - and god, he doesn't know what they are anymore, and he's sure he can't define it but he knows it can define him, that's probably why he vows to hold onto it until the doom of his.

Those days are the days that he feels no inspiration, the world is too silent and Aina has affected him too much, so much until he feels the need to scream.

He doesn't understand why her words make him feel so much, why he hesitates to press a button to call her, why he wakes up in the middle of the night in cold sweats, dreaming of a haunting dream about her, cutting severely the ties and going away from all of them, from him, to make her an actual lonely girl. He's never been so scared in his life as he is in those nightmares, because the sun boy isn't as brave as he was at the beginning, as he was before Aina Bondevik told him that she had the unfortunate tendency to run away.

...

He doesn't see her for a week, until he's looking for Quan and almost steps on her sleeping form. His foot still touches her, and when he's scared to death because of remembering what happened to Mathilda, she seems to recognize him and says, sleepiness evident in her voice: "Hi, Yang."

He stares for a second, before snapping to attention. "Aina, why're you sleeping on my brother's floor? You have a house!"

"Oh, Amelia dragged me here. I must have fallen asleep when they -"

"Stop."

"I haven't said anything yet."

"I know what're you going to say. I could have given you a beg, Aina."

"Please. Your bed is occupied by Qiu Min, because your room is warmer in hers, and you give into her request too easily."

"There are still enough room for you in my house."

"And see you and your sister fighting over a bed, or playing cards and loses to your other sister -"

Before he can say that Xia Yue doesn't really trick someone into playing cards with her, he can't open his mouth at the sight of his brother, who have just descended the staircase and entered the room. Now Zhi Yang thinks about it, he realises that it's abnormal of his brother to leave a girl on his floor, not to mention that he gets really along with Aina, except he's too occupied and who can make him occupied?

(somehow, he doesn't want to question what exactly makes his brother occupied.)

"Quan..." Aina says, amusement evident in her voice. "There are lipsticks on your shirt."

Zhi Yang swears he's never seen so many shades of emotions on his brother's face before. And if Quan's known for anything, one of them will definitely his calmness.

A second passes, then -

"Hey, darling -"

Zhi Yang, Aina and Quan all turns to face the stairs. A second later, a pair of blue eyes staring back at them, blinks.

"Oh hey Aina, I forgot -"

"It's alright."

Zhi Yang touches his jaw to check if it's still here. Quan closes his eyes as if preparing for the death of his.

Finally, Zhi Yang finds his voice, and says: "Sister will be so angry. Nothing can be hidden from her forever."

"Chun Yan loves darling too." Amelia cuts in. "Now, Yang, Aina, if you excuses me..." She says sweetly, before dragging Quan into the kitchen. "I'm so hungry."

Zhi Yang says. "I don't think I can stand it if they start make out in the kitchen."

"Oh, she just does it to let me not kill her boyfriend."

"Why do you want to kill my brother?"

"He broke my sister's heart."

"Better than give her false hope."

"Doesn't change anything."

"Did you know that Amelia wants me to ask Ella out?" He says, and regrets it second later.

Aina's eyes flash. She whips her hair over her shoulder, a sign that tells she's livid. "Oh, do tell why." She says in a controlled voice.

Zhi Yang says. He's not stuttering, is he? "Ella... Ella is great. She's your sister and she's cute. But this... you know... it's never going to happen." Gosh he's stuttering, but he's hoping beyond hopes that she doesn't imagine him and her sister together, he doesn't think he can handle this. He's not sure why, really, but it'd be painful if even Aina thinks he's good with Ella.

He watches Aina's stance relax slightly, and she's smiling. "Good." She states. "Wouldn't want me to kill me in your sleep, right?" His heart plummets into his stomach and he feels suffocated. He can't believe that he actually himself hope for a second that she doesn't want he to be with Ella because of something to do with them -

He blinks, and his mouth feels dry. His eyes are stinking, and he realises, horrified, that he's going to cry.

"Ah, well, Quan's busy and I come here to inform of a family dinner - I think I got something in my eyes. Sorry." He explains in a mutter, not looking at her. "I've gotta go." He inhales deeply and looks at her, and maybe it's wrong move because her eyes are betraying her hurt and confusion. He commits this image of her into memory, and promises to himself that this is Aina, and she doesn't care about them and what they might have been. He still thinks that when he hurries away.

...

Days pass.

Weeks even.

He doesn't really know.

Alice Kirkland comes to visit him one day.

"Cabbage."

What?

Zhi Yang raises an eyebrows, and she glares back at him.

Clearly, despite Amelia and Qiu Min, she hasn't mastered the art of insulting people she cares about yet - she's just too polite for that. She scowls. "Don't you dare judge me, you're a cabbage that is blanking your best friend!" She ends with a shout. A raging Alice would have scared him to death once time, but no longer. He's detached from everything, and especially from the blonde girl that has no idea what she's talking about.

"Alice." He cuts in, and she stops suddenly, derailed. "Please leave me alone."

Alice opens her mouth to say something, but Puffin nudges her on the neck, a sign of telling her to stop, Zhi Yang supposes. He repeats again.

"Please, Alice."

For once in her life, she does.

...

Sorina comes next, accompanied by Stella.

"Loser." Sorina informs him as she, literally, kicks his door open. But even when she kicks something, there's certain grace about her that Zhi Yang envies. Stella walks out behind her, sending him an apologetic look before turning to Sorina.

"Don't be so crude."

"It's nothing, Stella. Veronyka isn't here."

Zhi Yang watches, bemused. He's just been in a shower and has only just managed to put on his pants before rushing out after hearing a really loud noise outside. He's not sure why they are here - well, he thinks Sorina has a good reason to be here, but he doesn't get why they're here together. He doesn't really believe in the name meaning, but seeing Sorina and Stella together is somehow weird. A girl named after the sun, who blazes everything in her parts, who takes great joy in seeing boy knees before her, and a girl named after star, sensible and sweet and dreamy. (Aina's told him they've been together before time and before promises - great, he's thinking of her again.)

Then again, a girl and a boy, both named after the sun, are bound to collide.

Sorina says. "So, sun man, what the hell do you think you're doing?" It'd sound more dangerous and scary if she didn't use the affectionate name.

"I was showering." He puts on his shirt and replies, not caring about what they could do to him. Sorina can't win in a fight, but her teeth are sharp. He must think fast of how to pretend Sorina from biting him.

Stella purses her lips. "Someone's got an attitude." She mumbles to her friend, and Zhi Yang finds himself agreeing. Somehow, he's acting more like Aina - an annoyed Aina - than he ever did when they spent time together.

"So, why're you here?"

 _And why did Qiu Min ever let you in, the traitor!_

Sorina stares, red eyes glimming, Stella opens her mouth to say something, probably to tell what Sorina's going to tell in a more polite way, but Sorina stops her. In all honesty, Zhi Yang doesn't really mind impoliteness now.

"Okay, Stel. And now, Zhi Yang, you know why we're here. You're not yourself, and you know it. Aina isn't, either. Mathilda is out of her mind because she's worried, and if Mathilda's worried, then there's no way that your siblings aren't. I don't know what's the fuck wrong with you two, but whatever it is, it's not worth your friendship. Nothing is." Her voice is soft and she waits and waits before finally turning back to Stella with a sigh. "Alright, we should go princess. I need ice cream. Apparently Daisy works there, so she can pick for us." With that being said, she walks out of his door like a queen, never mentions once about the face that his door is slightly dislocated.

 _Chun Yan will have my head when she comes home._ Zhi Yang thinks tiredly, lies down and starts to process Sorina's words. _It's not worth your friendship._ Zhi Yang shakes his head violently, suddenly feel so angry and not so detached. There are things that worth their friendship, he thinks, one of them is the fact that he loves her more than anything else in this world and she doesn't even care -

Waits.

This can't be -

He -

He loves her.

He _loves_ her.

Zhi Yang loves Aina.

"I love you."

He thinks of Aina and says the world and it tastes right on his tongue.

"I love you, Aina, and you don't even care."

He deflates suddenly. It's much worse, he realises. It was better when he didn't know what it is because now he knows what to call his feelings he also knows how hopeless it is. It's completely in vain because he knows she doesn't care for him like that because of what she said that day at his brother's house and because of what she said that cloudy night, because if there's one thing Aina Bondevik is so adamant about in his memory, is that she doesn't do love.

Never.

This is hopeless before it even started.

It's when he gives up on her.

...

He's going shopping for food when he sees Ella. It's been two months since he stopped talking to Aina, and ever since he stopped talking to her family too, especially Ella the sister. The only people he ever seems to talk to those days are his family and Julchen, who has a forever crush on Daniel Hedervary, and understand how he feels without the need to put into words.

Ella's smiling, beautiful silvery hair streaming down her back. It's been so long since he saw her smile, and for the first time ever, he understands that Ella isn't just beautiful, she's gorgeous too.

She turns from her companion and sees him. He can sees her violet eyes widen from here, and he's struck with a sorrow because, damn, she really looks like Aina.

She whispers to her companion, which is strangely familiar to him before leaving to walk towards Zhi Yang. "Hey, Yang." She says softly, which is a first because Ella doesn't do soft.

"Long time no see, Ella." He replies, trying to keep his facade. He watches her twirl her hair around her fingers, then she sighs.

"Look, Zhi Yang. I know everything went down with you and Aina. Oh, don't bother." She says when he opens his mouth. "She told me everything when she was drunk, which wasn't much. It seems that you two are both scared of - you know what it is. I'm not the one to talk, right? It took me three months to get over you, six and a half to your brother, and another year to think of my best friend romantically, and another ten to agree to a date." She says wryly. His eyes widen when he realises what that means.

"So, you're with my sister's ex?" Ella frowns at that. "Just kidding, Jivan is good. Qiu Min says that herself. Really, he's good, he just doesn't love her."

"You were still after for his blood last year."

"But you're with him now." He says, his face splitting into a smile. He's surprised at himself because he's honest-to-God happy for her - it seems like he hasn't felt happy for a very long time and now it's because the moodiest girl he's ever met agreed to date her best friend. He supposes his all en-compassing sorrow isn't so en-compassing, after all.

She smiles at him, nods. "Yes, took me awhile. With him being my best friend and all." She says, and if Zhi Yang isn't mistaken, she's inferring to something.

He sighs, wistfully. "Aina and I aren't you and Jivan, Ella."

"Of course not. As if anyone could be like Jivan and I."

"..."

Her eyes turn serious. "Alright, not joking anymore. She misses you. She really does." She informs him. "And she's changed - if cutting her hair and dying her her hair blonde count."

Zhi Yang officially gasps, because blonde Aina and short-haired Aina isn't Aina herself - Aina who grows her hair long and silver to show the world that she's Ella's sister, Aina who grows her hair long and silver to become a star in his eyes - she'll become a normal girl with no feature in a crowd that doesn't mean actually anything to anyone. "Wh-" He begins, but Ella cuts him off.

"Zhi Yang. Yang. Xiao Yang. You're not going to ask me why or what or how, you know why, you clearly know why." She says piercingly, and Zhi Yang feels completely and utterly intimidated.

"Yeah... I know." He finishes lamely. He smiles. "It was nice seeing you, Ella." He says placidly, before turning on his heels. "But I really must be off, letters to send, you know."

He can't see Ella's face, but he can tell she's satisfied.

...

 _Aina,_

 _I know you don't do love, you've told me many times before, and I know you're scared._

 _But think about it, Aina, you've been doing 'love' for your whole life. You love Ella, you love your family, you love your friends, and Mr Puffin and even people you've never met. You love more than anyone else I know, considering you keep telling me that you don't do love._

 _You love every day, and you don't run away._

 _And I hope the realisation will prevent you from running away._

 _Because Aina, I love you._

 _I adore you, more than a friend. I love you as a friend, and now I love you more than that._

 _And you know, I'm not experts in love. Years of love songs into fading journal don't make me good at it, but it makes sense. I've always love you, the love has progressed._

 _I won't blame you if you don't feel the same, because if you don't, we can be still friends. Okay, I know I'm asking a lot, but I always ask for a lot._

 _Just... I need to know. If you feel the same way. If you ever feel the same way._

 _Because, Aina, you don't know how much it hurts me at times. And I know it's worth it, no matter what, but I don't want to take it out on other people anymore._

 _I want to be Zhi Yang again._

 _Just tell me in ways I can understand._

 _Please,_

 _Zhi Yang._

 _..._

He places it on the mailbox of her house and watches clouds go by.

In her room, on the highest floor, a indigo-eyed girl is lying on her bed and trying to pretend to be someone else.

...

Mathilda places a letter in her hands before closing the door since Aina has requested some privacy - and a part is because she isn't used to see a blonde Aina.

Aina looks at the letter, and realises, horrified, that her hands are trembling. Breathe in, breathe out, she tells herself to be calm before looking at it again. She takes in the familiar writing, thinking of how his hands move and it's unbearably Zhi Yang smells and it's full of sunlight -

And then she reads the letter.

And rereads it.

And again once more.

She places the letter on her desk and paces furiously and nervously, thinking hard. She overrides the pressing urge to run, to anywhere to get away from those words - because for someone who claims he knows nothing of poetry, Zhi Yang has a way with words that sure pulls on her heartstrings.

\- ah, he's composer.

Sometimes, she really hates that starry-eyed boy.

Aina pauses, and a split-decision is made. She gropes amongst the clothes and books, she pulls out a pen.

Bitting her lips, she writes a series of numbers and letters onto a piece of paper, and she smiles. She's sure that she's chosen correctly.

She tucks Zhi Yang's letter in her pocket, walks out from her room after telling Ella something and then -

She doesn't come back.

She's gone.

...

It takes a few days, but it's finally confirmed.

Aina Bondevik has already run away.

Zhi Yang tastes the alcohol in a corner of a bar, and he can't bring himself to bother if Chun Yan will reprimand him later, because he's thinking bitter thoughts and feeling bitter feels. He's asked her for a sign he'll understand - somehow, knowing she loves him, or thinking she can, isn't much of a relief when she's nowhere to be seen.

He loves the girl, and she's run away.

How absolutely screwed up his love life can be before he -

His thought is cut off midway because a slender white hand strokes his chest. He looks up, alarmed instantly - is he being molested? - and only sees a familiar glimpse of silvery hair before the slender form disappears. It must be difficult for her, he thinks, to be in such a place, if Mathilda ever knows Ella goes into a bar, especially because of him, he will regret being born -

Alright, she's placed something into his pocket.

Shaking his head, he delves in and peers at the piece of paper Ella slipped in. His breath hitches. It's in Aina's neat handwriting, and he thinks he may pass out with anticipation.

He opens it, and reads the letter.

And rereads it again.

And again once more.

A smile works its way across his face, and Zhi Yang feels like whooping for joy because Aina's run away, but she's letting him look for her -

He looks back at the paper, and commits the contents to memory.

They'll find a way.

And before anyone can prepare, Zhi Yang has gone. And none of them knows it, but he's off on an adventure.

An adventure to chase after the runaway girl.

An adventure of the sun to catch the star.

* * *

 **Author Note:** If you ever read it this far, please drop a review. I can't believe I wrote more than 7k words I CAN NOT BELIEVE.

If you do not, I will set Romano's mafia on you.

No kidding.

Okay I'm a review whore.


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